I glanced around my room and saw projects strewn left and right, papers piled high with the mental note "to read" posted on them. Artifacts from my travels, gifts from and for friends. Dirty clothes in one pile, clean clothes in another. The door to my closet broken and propped in the corner. The clock blinking 10:15 and my phone announcing dozens of emails, texts, and notifications of varying importance. I finally sit up and see that to get to the door will be an obstacle course of not stepping on cords or shoes or dust bunnies (the ones that aren't under random purses and boxes filled with more junk I need to go through and put away.
It didn't all get here overnight. A little each day I put things down on top of yesterdays things. Till I would fall asleep exhausted amid the piles and wake up stressed among the same piles. All the time knowing full well I couldn't deal with it now because there were places to be. Things to do.
And the piles grew.
Till they swallowed me. That's when I realized it wasn't my room that was messy, but my heart.
A little each day. Stacking experiences and posting a note "to process." Piling texts and emails and notes and somewhere after "reaction" and before "respond." Replaying conversations over and over till I get the energy to decide how they actually make me feel. Glancing at the burning pile that says "to cry about" and writing the post-script "later" until the emergency sprinklers decide to go off without my permission. Having so many people to care about scattered about and having so many good intentions to give them time and energy but always walking past them unfulfilled. And on my way out the door tripping over disappointment and death and lies and my own failure.
And the piles grow.
Oh Jesus, I've got the room covered. . .I think. But this heart thing has got me so tired. I'm completely overwhelmed by my own emotions and troubles and good intentions(a.k.a. failures).
Pleas take it all. I am defeated. My hope is in you. My ONLY hope.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." I Peter 5:6-11