July 6, 2009

How to write gooder

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular. (Someone out there need to explain this to me.)

5 Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign word and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hare quotation. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Understatement is always best.

16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be avoided.

20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

22 Who needs rhetorical questions?

Last Friday our orchestra leader had these on our seats before we got there. I don't know where he got them, but I thought they were to hilarious to pass up.


  1. That's hysterical!!!

    Would you mind if I posted that on my blog? I'd link back to you and say that I got it from your blog.

    Just a question, if I post it, did you add the comment after 'Employ the vernacular' or was it part of the actual "rule"?

    Love and Blessings,

  2. Sure you can use it!

    That was actually part of the rule, though I must admit, I was thinking the same thing!


  3. Ha, ha! I love that, especially the title.

  4. I just got that...took me a few minutes for my s...l...o...w brain to wrap around it. Now...lol. :)